Into the Woods

I look at the Tiger Woods story the way I look at golf; it’s none of my business. My feeling, first and foremost, is that a grown man should not be called “Tiger”, it only leads to bad things. Look, he only wanted the things a lot of men want:
1) a billion dollars
2) a beautiful wife and kids
3) to be able to fuck as many women as he wants
But you can’t do that in grown-up reality, Eldrick. You can have two out of three but not all three. I wasn’t surprised he cheated but I was surprised by the number of women. But I guess when you’re accustomed to playing eighteen holes there’s a certain amount of carry over to your private life. He is a creature of habit.
I was also surprised his affairs were exclusively with white women. I mean, we all knew the old, white men of corporate America have been sucking his cock for years but I had no idea nearly as many young, white women were.
If 2009 has taught us anything it’s that achieving legendary status comes with a price. The death of Michael Jackson coupled with the Tiger Woods story is a reminder that perhaps children should not have jobs by the time they’re four. Apparently it comes with some unforeseen consequences. The unrelenting drive of Joe Jackson and Earl Woods may have produced two geniuses but it also produced two troubled, damaged men with serious issues.
But America loves a story of redemption. Look at Kobe Bryant. A few years ago he was an accused rapist. Now he’s an Olympic gold medalist, an NBA champion and exemplary husband and father once again beloved by fans and corporate America, alike.
This is but a blip on the radar. If Tiger does his penance and returns to dominance, all will be forgiven. Dominance, after all, is what opened every door for Tiger. How many black men do you think are members in America’s exclusive country clubs (much less black guys named Tiger)? Probably fewer than the number of women he slept with. Dominance opened the door to the exclusive world of privilege that is golf and that door will remain open for Tiger because of that very dominance.
In the meantime he will attempt to put his life back together and work on Eldrick with the same focus he has worked on Tiger for thirty plus years.

9 thoughts on “Into the Woods

  1. Well said. Nike said this was just “part of the game” and a “minor blip for Tiger.” Hey Elin, I don’t know how you view marriage your mythical home country of Marital Monogamy , but this 15 mistresses is just part of the game here in The United States of Fornication. “I promise to love and cherish only you, for as long as we both shall….” blah blah blah, those are just words, Elin. Don’t even know what they even mean. It’s basically Latin.

  2. I saw your performance on December 13 in New-York city Comix ?-don’t remember name exactly- Club.I have to tell you,I was really impressed.In the sea of today’s vulgarity it was very fresh and unexpected.Even occasional f* word didn’t seem to bother much.You were very relaxed ,absolutely natural.In one word-wonderful and unforgettable.I definetely noticed a difference between your live and TV performance-it’s not the same.Anyway,I hope to see more of you on TV.Thank you.Alevtina

  3. Hi Ted,
    When I knew you, you were Mr. Alexandro the Music teacher at P.S. 203. What happened to you?! Obviously moved on to bigger and better things… congratulations. Irnoically, I am living in Charleston and bought tickets to the comedy festival when I saw your name on the list of performers so I will be keeping an eye out for you! Good luck!

  4. If Tiger ever had a time to write his memoirs, it would be right now. I don’t think I’m alone in saying I wouldn’t mind reading a book that nets me both racial acceptance and sexual arousal all at once.

    By the way Ted, come to Oregon. You know you want to.

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